Wednesday, 21 March 2007
I've realised, that I'm not living. I'm existing.
Going from one day to the next, doing nothing with my life, because I don't know what to do, or don't feel well enough to do it.
My emotions hit the floor a couple of weeks ago. And much as I try to pretend that everything's ok now, I feel lost and empty.
For the first time since I was diagnosd with secondaries (and for a while before that too), I'm all alone with it. Alone with my thoughts. And alone with.. well, everything really.
I feel lost. I don't know where to go. My direction and motivation has gone.
I miss having someone to do things with, and go places.
I miss the cuddles, the intimacy, having someone to cry with, and someone to laugh with. Someone to just 'be' with.
I'll be having my last chemo (for now) in a couple of weeks.
Then what? What exactly am I fighting to live for now?
It was all fairly clear before. I knew why I wanted to live. I knew why I didn't want this cancer to get me. But now, there just doesn't seem to be anything.