Wednesday, 21 March 2007

Existing


I've realised, that I'm not living. I'm existing.

Going from one day to the next, doing nothing with my life, because I don't know what to do, or don't feel well enough to do it.

My emotions hit the floor a couple of weeks ago. And much as I try to pretend that everything's ok now, I feel lost and empty.
For the first time since I was diagnosd with secondaries (and for a while before that too), I'm all alone with it. Alone with my thoughts. And alone with.. well, everything really.
I feel lost. I don't know where to go. My direction and motivation has gone.

I miss having someone to do things with, and go places.
I miss the cuddles, the intimacy, having someone to cry with, and someone to laugh with. Someone to just 'be' with.

I'll be having my last chemo (for now) in a couple of weeks.
Then what? What exactly am I fighting to live for now?
It was all fairly clear before. I knew why I wanted to live. I knew why I didn't want this cancer to get me. But now, there just doesn't seem to be anything.



4 comments:

Anonymous said...

Hiya Dee,
long time no see. I have emailed you hunny
Love Karen (Wings)

sue said...

Oh Dee, don't feel you're alone. I know you've split with Jamie and that's a big thing on top of what you're already going through. My heart goes out to you.

Sue
(from the DRI)

Anonymous said...

Hi Dee,
This is keeley here, from the ug and the org. I know this is a bit late, but I hope you had a good birthday. We all wish you all the best and miss you loads! Please feel free to drop by.

I know your last update you said that you were not sure what you are fighting for. But you're such a strong person, and such a motivation to us all. I'm so proud of all your achievements, you've been through so much, yet have been able to see the positives. This just shows how much of an amazing person you are!

I really do pray for the best for you. Please drop by if you have some time, we'd love to see you around. =)

Lotsa love,
Keels
xxx

Sarah said...

I've been thinking about you, Dee. I hope that your chin is up and that you're doing more than existing.