Tuesday, 10 April 2007

Happy End of Chemo!

Well, here we are again!

Since my last blog entry, I'd started to pick myself up a bit, and even begun to 'look forward'.
I'd paid a visit to my GP, to say "Look, I think could do with a bit of help here. I'd like some counselling."
She agreed, and told me there's a waiting list of two to three months. Oh good!

Yesterday, I saw 'the ex', and all the feelings I was trying to hide in the little pocket of my life, where I try not to look, were dragged to the surface again.
So last night, I felt awful again. Like I was back to square one.
I've managed to shake it off a bit today, and don't feel as bad. But I still don't feel great about it all.

A couple of weeks ago, he did me the honour of telling me why he'd "fallen out of love" with me (I had asked him why). And it pretty much boiled down to the fact that he was bored.
Bored of me being boring.
While I haven't been well enough to do much, through chemo, he was bored of staying in with me.
I can't blame him really. I was bored of myself.. Barely capable of dragging myself out of bed every day, never mind keeping anyone else entertained.

I had my last (for now) chemo and herceptin treatment, last Wednesday. That's it now.
It's the first time in almost two years, that I'm having no treatment.

Herceptin wasn't working, so it's been stopped. And just being left to go it alone, is a little bit scary.
I'll be having another liver scan next week, to see what's happening in there now, at the end of chemo.

My liver function tests still aren't 'normal', but they're a hell of alot closer to normal than they were a few months ago.
We're now adopting a "watch and wait" approach.
I'll have blood tests every four weeks, to check my liver function. If the score starts going up again, I'll be scanned to see if the tumours are growing again.

If the tumours start growing again, the only option available to me at the minute, is more chemo.
If the tumours start growing again soon, I really don't know if I could face more chemo. I suppose I'll jump off that bridge when I get to it.

After a monumental cock-up by my oncologist, last week (he wanted to start me on a whole new course of chemo, when I didn't actually need it. He hadn't read my notes properly. This could have had serious health consequences for me), I'm waiting to be referred to a different oncologist, at a specialist cancer hospital.
I have no faith in my oncologist anymore, and I really need to be able to have faith in the person who's supposed to be trying to save my life.

Also since my last blog entry (and on the day my oncologist made his cock-up, incidentally), I've had a 31st birthday.
It passed by relatively quietly.. with some birthday cake and a drop or two of champagne, with my family.

So, I've managed a 30th birthday and a 31st birthday. Both of which I doubted I'd ever see, when I was first diagnosed with cancer, almost two years ago.
I hear people complaining, at every birthday, that they're getting older. I want to shake them, and tell them to be grateful they are getting older!

For my birthday, I've had a set of chrome roll hoops on my car..

I've also had a Native American drone flute (it arrived today!), which sounds beautiful. Even the cat seems to like it.

The day after my birthday, I had chemo!

So now, I'm still feeling a bit grotty from chemo, and have some big painful ulcers in my mouth.
The grottiness should wear off soon, and I'm desperately hoping I'll be able to start looking forward again.


Sarah said...

Happy end of chemo is right!

Hope you're feeling less grody today! *hugs*

Rebecca said...

I have just stumbled upon your site. Just wanted to send you some love, my thoughts and wishes. You have inspired me. I hope that you get all the time that you are wishing for. x

Ian Patterson said...

Hi, Dee! I hope you don't mind my 'posting a comment' for you?

I came across your site via, or while, checking out some postings on the MG-Rover Forum, where I was looking for some tips on fixing the bust zip on my MGTF's back window (you've posted on the same Forum, mentioning your MG). For now, my immediate step is to try the new zipper slider I've sent for.

Anyway, moving away from MGs, I was majorly impressed with your parachute adventure; and moreso, I'm majorly impressed with you and what you are trying to deal with. My mother had this illness ... I wish I could help you in some way; but was glad to note the end of chemo.

Best wishes

Bethany said...

Hi there dee.
happy to find your blog. I've been trying for find some other YOUNG bloggers out there dealing with the "c" word! You're a good writer... I'll keep checking! Sweet car :)

Martha Mihaly said...

Hi Dee,
Forget the ex and focus on yourself! The car is beautiful. Perhaps the nice weather has come and you can spend time just driving yourself to happiness! Happy end of chemo.

Anonymous said...

Hey Dee,

Just came across form MG-Rover.org after reading *a* post about the negative rep given to ya!

Looked at it, then thought 'What?...mmm....il have a read', so went through a few of your posts (which started linking from bad rep, to funerals, then i think it went off to somewhere else? Cant remember now, and it was only 10mins ago!), and didnt end up how i was expecting! Far from it! I was kinda expecting something comical, funny, witty, but no, ended up being about cancer.....its one of the few things in life that really does get me down. Im 23 (almost!) and never known anybody to have it, but for some reason, i always take it to heart (i think thats the saying?) BUT! reading on it seems you have the all clear now, and as you have said, hopefully for years to come!(Keep positive!)
Anyway! I Hope everything is going well for you and all the 'down in the dumps' feelings have gone!
Really im just here to say hi, but i do hope you're going to keep to being the happy and positive person you seemed to have been on the .org! And do as Martha says! lol

Sarah said...

Hope all is well, I've been thinking about you!

Anonymous said...

Hi Dee,
I keep popping on here to see how you are doing, but no posts for some time. I hope that means you are feeling much better, and things are looking good, and you are out living it up!!!!
I did race for life yesterday and thought of all you ladies from CHF. The atmosphere was electric, and it was overwhelming how many people have unfortunately been touched by this horrid disease. I do hope though that by helping raise money for cancer research a cure can be found soon.
let us know how you are when you have a chance.

MatraMark said...

Hiya Dee, Surfed over from SniffPetrol - hope you are on the speedy road to recovery!!


MatraMark said...

Hiya Dee, Just surfed over from SniffPetrol. Hope you are on the speedy road to recovery!