Friday, 7 March 2008

My 'Death Book'

I'm not sure if I've mentioned this before, but I have a little red leather-covered 'death book'.
I created this book when I found out my liver was failing, the cancer in there was growing again.

It talks about how I want things to be at the end.. where I want to die, what kind of funeral I want, the music I want at my funeral, certain things I want certain people to have. That kind of thing.
I made my dad aware of my 'death book's existence, because he obviously needs to know about these things. I told him to read it, whenever he wanted.
He told me yesterday, that he reads it every morning.
This all seems so wrong. My dad shouldn't have to be reading about what his daughter wants, when she dies.

I feel like I'm robbing him of something. I feel like I'm robbing James. And I feel like I've been robbed of a life I'll never have the chance to have.

I've been thinking alot, about the things I never had chance to do, and now never will.
Getting married, buying a house, at least having the option of having children.
Just normal things that most people take for granted.
I think I'm becoming more and more angry about it, by the day. I still don't feel well enough to go anywhere, or do anything, so I've got far too much time to think about things like this.

I'm so sad, angry, upset, and a whole host of emotions that I don't even think there are names for.