Tuesday, 27 February 2007


I'm feeling a bit pathetic, and sorry for myself today.

I feel grotty and achey again.
I say again, but I feel achey permanently now. I feel like my bones, joints, and muscles belong an old woman, rather than a 30 year old, who felt great just a few months ago.
I just seem to shuffle everywhere now. And whenever I do walk anywhere.. even if it's only a short walk, my feet get sore.
I'm now sporting a very sore and swollen little toe, from making the very short walk into town, from the hotel we were staying in at the weekend. I even had my very comfy 'sneakers' on.

But grotty. It's difficult to describe this grotty feeling.
I have hardly any energy. I have a cold again, for the second time in about four weeks. I've had a cough for the past four weeks too, which is refusing to leave.
It isn't a bad cough. It's just annoying. And I'd be lying if I said it wasn't worrying me a bit.
I also have constantly watery eyes, which makes everything blurry. Not ideal for driving, really!

I spent yesterday morning looking into 'green' funerals.
It turns out there a green burial ground quite local to us, which looks nice from the photos.
I was going to pop over there today, to have a look at it, but the grottiness and blurry eyes have decided I'm not to go anywhere today. So it'll have to be another day.

I know it sounds morbid, to be planning your own funeral. But it didn't feel morbid, while I was reading about it. It felt like I was taking some control.

And I know it might sound silly, to those who have no cause to be thinking about their own funeral, but I'd like to have some control over where I'm going to be 'laid to rest'. I'd like to know where I'm going to end up.

What I absolutely don't want, is a church funeral, a christian ceremony, and to be buried in a cemetery.
I'd like to be buried somewhere natural and beautiful, in the Derbyshire countryside, because that's where I love to be.

Tomorrow, I'll be having a MUGA heart scan, to check if my heart's still functioning well enough to keep having Herceptin.
I don't know why they're bothering, to be honest, as I only have another two doses of Herceptin to go, then they're stopping it.
I can't say I'm looking forward to it.
I have to have two injections for the scan. The muppets in the nuclear medicine department can never find a vein, and I always end up covered in bruises.
The man who was attempting to do it last time, even managed to completely miss the big vein in my foot (yep, we ran out of veins in my arm), and bent the needle.

I'm still covered in bruises from the last chemo, and I have chemo again next week. I really could do without more bruises!


Minerva said...

Well of COURSE you are feeling shite - you are going through a really grim course of chemo...

Let yourself relax - stop trying to DO and just be...

Can you work out the pattern now so that you are prepared for the really grim days? And then you can start planning for days out again when you start feeling better..

Hugs sweetie,


Dee said...

Well hello, Monxy!

You asked if I could plan around chemo.. if I knew what would be good and bad days now..

The first two seemed to follow a pattern, so I thought I'd be able to plan around it.
But 3 and 4 have just been all over the place. There's been no pattern to when I've felt ok and when I've felt awful.
For example, I felt pretty good at the weekend, but now I'm feeling shitty again.
For the first two, when I started feeling better, I'd continue to feel better until the next chemo. But not now.. it's up and down all over the place.

Such fun, eh!

Big hugs,

jo (of the purple variety!) said...

Sorry you feel grotty Dee. Grotty is, well....grotty really.

Jo xxx