Tuesday, 13 February 2007

Blog Archive - 2005

03 de December, 2005
I woke up this morning, after a dream that the cancer had spread to my liver. What a wonderful thought to wake up to!
I treasure the few moments, first thing in the morning, when I wake up and think nothing. Just for a few seconds, my mind's blank. There's no cancer. No baldness. No feeling of dread. No fear. But some mornings, and this morning was one of them, BAM! it's there straight away.
I've spent the evening in a chemo haze. Chemo was Wednesday, and I've felt relatively normal up until tonight. I spent the whole of yesterday in my jim jams and fluffy dressing gown, but today, I managed to go into town. My head's been all over the place since I got back though. Back home. Back to reality. back to yet more bad news from someone I've come to know, through this damned awful disease.
My gaze has just been drawn up to the glass Calico ball, hanging in my window. I bought it when I went to Herne Bay, earlier this year. I'd had what I thought was a pretty awful time, and I went down there, to stay with Andy for a couple of days. I was completely oblivious to the cancer thing then. I can close my eyes now, and feel the sea breeze on my face.
Not long after that, I went to North Wales, in my newly aquired convertible car. Roof down, sun shining. It was one of the most perfect days I can remember. It was just a week or two after that, my life changed forever. The day that promises of a new life, a new relationship and a new future, came crashing around my feet, was the day I found 'the lump'.
How I wish I could go back to the weeks and months before then. But I can't.

29 de November, 2005
Dragged Backwards
There I was, happily (?!?) scouring the net for information on the timing of Herceptin, after chemo..Considering the capacity of my brain, and my ability to focus has all but disappeared, I think I was doing quite well, making some sense off all the medical jargon I was ploughing through.Then it happened..A song came on tv. A song that 's on a CD, which I used to play all the time in my car, on my journeys to North Wales, a few years ago.These were the journeys to see my now ex.. the 'love of my life'.. the person I thought I'd spend forever with. This was the relationship that stupidity arsed up, and that I've regretted it arsing up, ever since.So that's that.. any focus I had on my Herceptin search, is now gone.Gone, in favour of romantic memories of days gone by.Gone, in favour of wondering what could've been.Gone, in favour of wondering, yet again, if I should try and get in touch with him. This is a thought that pops into my mind at least once a day. Should I just leave things be? Should I try and contact him, because of this nagging feeling that keeps telling me to? Should I do it now, before it's too late? When will 'too late' be? Maybe it's already too late.. I don't know
Posted by Dee at 00:03 Permanent Link Comments (2)

28 de November, 2005
Today, I ordered a pair of purple Converse 'sneakers'. It just doesn't seem right that someone young enough to be wearing footwear like that, to have/had breast cancer. It doesn't seem right that anyone should have it. The wonderful women I've come to know, through this crappy disease.. they definitely shouldn't have it either.
Well, I went to the Faithless gig that I'd been looking forward to so much. It didn't let me down. Infact, it exceeded all my expectations. Myself and Lisa were on the guest list.. we got in for free, had fantastic seats (though we obviosly didn't sit!),and met the band afterwards.
Aubrey (the bass guitarist) was the one who put me on the guest list, so he was the person I wanted to speak to most, to thank him. And I did speak to him.. what a lovely bloke. They're all really nice, down to earth 'normal' people. It was a fabulous night.. one I'll never forget. And if I start to forget, I have my fully autographed ticket, to remind me!
That was my third Faithless gig in a year. Now I have to wait another couple of years, before they'll be touring again! The first thing that came into my head, when Aubrey said it'd be another couple of years, was "but I might not be alive then!" Fortunately, that stayed in my head and I didn't speak it out loud.
I've had back ache, at the bottom of my back, for the past week or so, and a bit of a stiff neck, for the past few weeks. these are things I'd have never thought twice about, before breast cancer reared its ugly head in my life. Now I'm paranoid about every ache and pain. I've never really suffered from back ache before, so there's alsorts going through my head, even though I know it's most likely nothing to worry about.
On Wednesday, I'll be having my 5th chemo. One more to go after this, to be followed by being fried by radiotherapy. It's scary to think that these methods they use, to hopefully get rid of our cancer, can actually cause cancer. Is it really a good idea to be fighting fire with fire? Should I have had chemotherapy? Did I really think that poisoning my body was the best thing to do? Do I now think that irradiating bits of my body is the best thing to do? After this, should 'hopefully' come Herceptin, which comes with its own risks of heart failure. Is it really right, that I'm beating up my body so much? Does anyone really have the answers?

Posted by Dee at 18:19 Permanent Link Comments (0)

20 de November, 2005
Last night, while I was nodding off to sleep, I had a realisation..
I realised that it wasn't the fact that I have/had/am being treated for breast cancer that I needed to accept. I've had no choice but to accept that.It's the fact that it could come back at any time.. it could spread.. I could ultimately die from it, that I needed to accept.I needed to accept that, at some time.. maybe sooner than I'd hoped, that I'm going to die.
Being diagnosed with breast cancer made me feel incredibly mortal. Dying isn't something I've thought much about before. You don't think you need to, before you even hit 30!
Have I accepted that I MAY die much sooner than I thought I would? I think I'm getting there, and as a result, I think I'm feeling much better about my life now.Or maybe that's just today, and I'll feel terrible again in no time!!

Posted by Dee at 23:23 Permanent Link Comments (1)

19 de November, 2005
I seem to be neglecting this blog of mine, lately. That must be a good thing, right? It must mean I have far better things to do! It must mean I actually have a life!.. Well actually no, not really.
Everything's still pretty much the same sameness. I had my 4th chemo last Wednesday, which made me feel like a zombie again, and I just couldn't focus on typing anything intelligible.
I spoke to my doctor yesterday, to find out if she'd heard anything back from the PCT, about funding Herceptin for me. She'd had a letter from them to say they were 'considering it', which is the standard response. So I still don't know whether or not I'm going to have to try and find £40,000 from somewhere, to pay for it myself. Chances are that's what's going to happen.
I just feel it's so wrong, when the country seems to be wasting millions of pounds on building 'structures' as tourist attractions, yet they wont pay for what could be life-saving drugs, for many people, when we've paid into 'the system' for years. It makes me angry. I could very easily get on my soap box about this, but instead, I'll have a glass of wine!
So, what else has been happening? Not much really
Yesterday, I ordered the CD single of "We Laughed", by Maxine Edington and Billy Bragg. Maxine wrote this for her daughter, when she was told she only had six months to live, because she was dying of secondary breast cancer. The money from these CDs is going to charity.. please go buy it. I'm sure I'll have a bit of a snivvel when i listen to it.
I've done all my christmas shopping.. in November. It's un-heard of! But it's not like I have anything better to do, to be honest, so I thought I may aswell get it over and done with.
I wrapped some of the pressies, the other night. And cried while I was doing it, wondering if I'll still be here next christmas, to do the same. The ones that aren't wrapped, have little post-it notes on, saying who they're for.. just incase anything happens between now and then. I always thought wrapping christmas presents was supposed to be a happy time!
Paranoia's set in a bit, the past couple of weeks. I've had a stiff neck for a couple of weeks, so of course, I start wondering if it's bone secondaries in my neck. Then I developed a bit of a sniffle and a cough. So of course, I was a little worried that I'd developed lung mets. the stiff neck's still there, but the cough's gone, so I don't think I'm dying from secondary lung cancer yet!
My hair seems to have started growing a bit, so I have a few millimetres in some places, but my eyebrows and eyelashes appear to be vacating the premises now. Not noticably yet. I'm hoping I'll manage to hang onto them really.
To end on a positive note.. a week tomorrow, I'm off to the Faithless show. Myself and my 'plus one', are on the guest list, so really looking forward to that!

Posted by Dee at 00:21 Permanent Link Comments (0)

08 de November, 2005
Four Months Ago Today
Tomorrow is my fourth chemo.Four months ago today, was the day I was diagnosed.. a third of a year. 8th July.In some ways, it seems like much longer than that, but in others, it seems like yesterday. I remember every single detail of that day.I remember waking up that morning and thinking, well, it's results day. They haven't called me in earlier, so maybe, just maybe, I'll get away with it not being cancer. Even though I knew deep down that it was.I got ready and walked out of the house. It was a nice sunny day, and I was going into Nottingham before I went to the hospital. My appointment wasn't until 3:20pm.I walked to the car, and saw my dad outside. He asked what I was up to today, and I replied that I was going to Nottingham, taking my dongle back (bluetooth dongle that I'd bought for my phone/pc, that didn't work) and maybe do a bit of shopping.I got to Nottingham, took the dongle back to the shop, and met my friend, who was coming to the hospital with me.I'd parked in the park & ride, so had to get the tram back to the car.We got to the tram stop, to the announcement that all trams had stopped running, until further notice. Cue panic!We hung around the tram stop for 10 minutes, with me getting myself more worked up and panicky by the minute, because I knew I had to get to the hospital on time.We ended up getting a taxi back to the park & ride.Drove to the hospital, with friend in tow.. with shakes and clammy hands.Got to hospital.. got out of car.. cried.Got into hospital, sat in waiting room, and said to my friend "why does everyone else look so calm, and I feel like I'm going to throw up?".After a 40 minute wait for my delayed appointment, they called me in.. friend in tow.I walked into the room and thought there were more faces there, than should've been, if they were just going to tell me I was ok.I sat down, and the consultant said "blah blah blah blah I'm sorry to say it's cancerous blah blah blah" (the middle bit are the only words I can remember). I cried for about 30 seconds. Then she talked about surgery, and booked me in.I had to put the horrible gown thing on again, to have a mammogram (I'd only had ultrasound on my first visit), to see if they could tell if there were any more suspicious areas. They couldn't.They then took me (friend in tow), to the nice little room, with the comfy sofas, pretty tea cups, and the chunk of amethyst on the table, next to the box of tissues, and told me everything again.I was glad when we escaped out of there, into the fresh air and sunshine.. I cried a bit more.I left my friend at the hospital. He said he'd get a taxi home, because it was the opposite direction I had to go, to get home.So I drove home, alone, in a blur of tears and wondering what the hell I was going to say to my parents, who knew nothing about what was going on.I remember the music that was playing in the car. I can't listen to that CD now.Just before I reached home, I pulled over at the side of the road, and phoned Jan, my workmate and friend.She knew I'd been for tests, and she knew I was getting results.. I'd taken the day off work especially.I blurted out to her, that it was cancer.. and cried some more. I could tell she was really trying to keep it together, but her voice was shaking.Then I got home, planing to sit my mum and dad down, and tell them together.My mum hardly ever goes out, but she'd gone out.. to her aunties house.My dad was sitting on the bench, at the front of the house, in the sun.I got out of the car and asked where my mum was. My dad said she was visiting her auntie.I asked my dad to come inside, but by the time I'd got to the door, and got my key in it, I was a mess.My dad asked me what was wrong, and I just blurted out that I'd got cancer.He cried, he hugged me, he went to get the car keys to fetch my mum, looking like he'd just been punched in the stomach.While he was gone, I phoned Lisa, and told her the news.Then my mum and dad got back. Then my auntie and uncle turned up and everyone cried.I spent the rest of the evening feeling like I'd just had my whole future, and my life, taken away from me.It was a horrible day. The worst day of my life.I'm quite impressed that I've managed to type all that out, and didn't have tears in my eyes, until I wrote about having to tell my dad. I always knew that telling my dad would bethe hardest thing I'd have to do.I knew that, when a couple of weeks before, I was sitting in my room, looking out the window onto the back garden, seeing my dad sitting in the sun, and wondering how the hell I was going to tell him I had cancer.He had testicular cancer 17 years ago, and I knew it'd hit him like a ton of bricks.So there ya go.. it feels like yesterday, but I've managed to survive a third of a year, so far.In 30 years time, I hope I'll still be here to tell that tale!

Posted by Dee at 22:50 Permanent Link Comments (7)

04 de November, 2005
My Advice?
First off, Dillon kitten seems to have perked up today. he's been back to the vets, who said his temperature's down, from being very high yesterday. He's got a course of antibiotics, so we've got to wait and see how he is after that. Hopefully, it was just a bug.. fingers crossed.
I know a woman (she's very young), through a web forum, who's found a lump in her breast. She's spent the day at the hospital today, having various checks, and has to go back for scans, etc. She asked me how I reacted when I found out I had cancer, and I blurted all the following out. I'm thinking this is what I'd say to anyone, so I may aswell put it in here, just incase it might be of some help to someone who's playing the waiting game..
When I found my lump, I panicked, shot out of bed and was on the phone to the doctors within minutes.I knew what it was, as soon as I found it, and no amount of people telling me it'd be nothing 'because of my age' made me feel any different.I had to wait a week for an appointment at the docs, another week for an appointment at the breast clinic, then four days after that for the results.Before I'd been to the breast clinic, I remember sitting at the pc, looking out of the window onto the back garden, and seeing my dad sitting in the sun. I burst into tears, wondering how the hell I was going to tell my dad I had cancer (he'd had testicular cancer 17 years ago).I told a couple of close friends that I'd found a lump and was having tests. One of them came with me for tests, and for my results.I never mentioned any of it to any of my family, until I'd had the diagnosis. I suppose I didn't want to worry them.When I'd had all the tests, and went for the results, and they told me it was cancerous, I wasn't surprised, but I was still shocked, if that makes any sense.I cried a bit, then it was like I was in a daze for a while, until it really sunk in.They tell me it sinks in even more, when all treatment's finished, and that most people have their worst days then.. so that's something to look forward to!I can't even explain the range of emotions I've gone through, from then up to now.People describe it as an emotional rollercoaster. Some days I think it'll never come back, other days I'm convinced it's going to kill me. I've considered beating it to it, and doing the job myself. I've had huge moodswings since I was diagnosed. It certainly hasn't been an easy ride.It'll be 4 months on Tuesday, since I got the test results, and most of the time now, things don't seem as bleak as they did in the first few weeks.The week after chemo, I tend to feel pretty terrible, but the other two weeks aren't bad.I know this'll change my life forever. I know I'll never have the 'normal' I had before. And I know I have to learn to live with the fear of it coming back.I'm not saying any of this to scare you. I don't want to scare you, and chances are yours'll be nothing.. but when I was waiting for my results, I found it helped that people were honest with me, about what they'd been through.I wanted to know what to expect, if it turned out the way it did. I couldn't stick my head in the sand.People telling me to be positive and keep my chin up didn't help.. it made me angry.. it still does. I know they mean well, but the people who say things like that, are usually the ones who have no idea how you feel.You're bound to worry about it. It's not something you can just forget about.It's natural to be scared about all this uncertainty. The waiting's the worst part.I really hope I haven't scared you, and here's hoping you'll be able to come on here and say "guess what folks.. I was worrying over nothing!".
Posted by Dee at 23:16 Permanent Link Comments (2)

03 de November, 2005
Time something good happened?!!
After spending the best part of the last two weeks, attempting to drag myself out of the depths of despair I'd sunken into, I started to feel brighter, a few days ago.. more like 'me' again. So I intended to make the most of it, because I know I'll go back to feeling like an alien, after my fourth chemo, next week.
Someone out there seems to not want me to feel ok.
Obviously my dad having cancer, 17 years ago wasn't enough..I had to get cancer too.Now apparently that's not enough.My baby Dillon kitten's been a bit poorly over the past couple of days, so we took him to the vets this morning. She took his temperature, which was 'very high'. So she gave him an antibiotic injection and an anti-inflammatory injection.But he's got to go back again tomorrow for blood tests, because the vet thinks he may have Leukaemia.Now I feel bad, cos I've brought this poor kitten into a household that seems to be bloody jinxed!

20 de October, 2005
Angels Watching O'er You

"Go to sleep, my baby.Close your pretty eyes.Angels watching o'er you, peeping at you, darling,from the skies.Great big moon is shining, high up in the sky.Time to go to sleep, my pretty one.Go to sleep."
My mum used to sing that to me, when I was little.
She picked Dillon kitten up today, like a baby, and started singing it. It was all I could do to not burst into tears in front of all the family. So I stared at the tv, with my eyes full of tears, and bit my bottom lip, to stop it shaking.
Yep, it's been one of those days.

Posted by Dee at 22:03 Permanent Link Comments (3)
Posted by Dee at 00:21 Permanent Link Comments (2)

19 de October, 2005
Here we are again. Please excuse my random ramblings. It appears my brain's gone on vacation. I'm blaming it on the chemo.
Third chemo was today, so another three to go.
I saw the oncologist yesterday (Dr Doo, as the nurses fondly call him). Had a chat about the whole Herceptin thing, and was informed that my chances of the NHS funding it are virtually nil.
I was also brave enough to ask about my 'chances' yesterday. I was told that statistically, I have a 65% chance of surviving 10 years, without recurrence or spread (so about a 2 out of 3 chance), as it is now, with the treatment I'm having. If I was to have Herceptin, this could go up to about an 80% chance (about a 3 in 4 chance). It might not seem much of an improvement to alot of people, but it is to me.
There have been so many people, who I either hardly know, or don't know at all, giving me money to help towards paying for the Herceptin treatment. I've had quite a few online donations, and a few cheques too, over the past couple of weeks. Every time I open an envelope with a cheque in, my eyes fill up. The selflessness of these people is astounding me. It's really touching to know that there are such people out there.. and I feel very humbled by it.
Anyway, yes, third chemo has gone now. My vein's sore and I feel a bit rough, but apart from that, I'm feeling ok. I think it's likely to hit me tomorrow, when I seem to have comitted my day to other people! I'll see how I feel after I've attempted to be out for most of the day.
I have more drugs to add to my ever increasing collection. Another bottle of steroids.. that makes three, because I'm refusing to take them. I don't feel as though I need them, and I don't want to look like a German shot-putter (no offence to any German shot-putters out there.. it's just I'm not one, and have no desire to be one). And I seem to be stock-piling anti-sickness tablets, because I evidently don't take as many as I really should. But again, I haven't needed many so far (touch wood).
I have been taking the steroids they've given me before treatment (I don't want to be vomiting in the treatment room, after all!), which was earlier today. So now I'm in gibber mode, because I'm all 'roided up. Great stuff when I just want to sleep!
Over and out..
Posted by Dee at 23:28 Permanent Link Comments (0)

14 de October, 2005
War & Peace
After feeling as though I've been at war with myself, my body, and everyone around me for the past few days, I'm feeling a little more at peace. Although, if I'm honest, I think I've felt this way for quite some time, and am probably feeling no more at peace than I was before my latest 'episode'.
I can hear the chatter of the TV in the living room, where my parents and Dillon kitten are, and for a change, it isn't irritating me.. it's just chatter.
I went to see Gina, my new reflexologist (I say new.. I've never actually had a reflexologist before), this evening. She's also a Homeopath. I was in with her for a good two hours. We had a good natter and a good foot prodding session, when she said she'd like to work closely with me. I wanted to make it a regular thing anyway, so I was all ears. Our 'arrangement' is that I see her every three weeks (which fits in well with chemo sessions, at the minute), keep her updated on how I'm feeling and let her know if I'm having any chemo side-effects, so she can hopefully help me homeopathically, and in exchange, I get a pretty damn good discount on treatments.
So here we are.. my feet feel like I've been walking on clouds.. my mood's lifted.. I have a little 'pill' to take tonight, one next Thursday, one on Saturday night, and one on Sunday morning. She made it clear that nothing she gives me will interfere with my chemo treatment, and can only do good in boosting my immune system, which is exactly what I wanted. She seems to be on the same wavelength as me, and I like her.
I intended, from the very outset of finding out I had cancer, to go with complimentary therapies, aswell as conventional stuff. I did consider, at one point, disregarding a big part of the conventional stuff. In the end though, I wanted to know that I'd done everything possible, to keep it from coming back. If it comes back and I hadn't had chemo, I'd have always wondered if I could have stopped it. I'm not a huge fan of poisoning my system, which is basically what chemo is. I've always tried to avoid toxins and chemicals, so chemo was going against the grain somewhat, but there you go. When I had a potentially fatal disease thrown in my path, I was willing to do whatever it took to try and get rid of it.
Just as a note, before I forget, I've been regularly reading a couple of other ladies blogs. They're also being treated for breast cancer (I never know whether to say I've got breast cancer, or I had it.. 'being treated' for it seems like the way to go).
The first lady is Jane. Jane's postings inspire me. her blog can be found Here
Secondly is Mary, who's blog can be found Here
Much as I hate this cancer thing, I've spoken to some wonderful people, who I may never have met otherwise. People who inspire me to live, and not just exist.
My Hallowe'en dress arrived today. the dress I've been hankering after for four years. It's black and wine velvet.. very beautiful, and fits perfectly. I've even ordered a wig to match!
I have to scoot over to Olay.com now.. according to my mum, they're giving things away. When I enquired as to whether it was a cure for cancer, the reply was "no".. fancy that. I'm still going to have a look what they're offering though..

Posted by Dee at 00:46 Permanent Link Comments (0)

11 de October, 2005
I've felt very alone over the past couple of days. Not lonley as such, because I have friends who'll never let me feel lonely. But very alone. There's no-one close enough to share how I feel in the middle of the night, when I wake up and start panicking. There's no one to hug me and say "we'll beat this". If it's going to be beaten, it looks like I'll be beating it alone. And if it isn't going to be beaten, well, it looks like I'll be doing that alone too.
Being 'alone' has never bothered me all that much, until recently. Now it's become painfully obvious that I am very much alone, at a time when I really don't want to be.
I hear women with breast cancer, talking all the time about how supportive their partners are being (and yes, there are some who's partners are very unsupportive too), and I wish so much that I had that kind of support. I have support from my friends and family, which I'm really grateful for, but I'd like the support of someone who I could cry with.. laugh with, and share my scariest fears with.. in the middle of the night, which is when the scariest fears rear their head.
I found out, a couple of days ago, that me and 'plus one' are on the guest list for the Faithless gig in Nottingham, on 26th November. This means getting in for free, and access to the after show drinking session, to meet everyone. Great news! Or it was when I got it, and I know it would have been at any other time in my life. Now, whenever anyone mentions it, my heart sinks, and I don't know why.
I don't seem to have any motivation to do anything, and have had a really low couple of days. Things seem to just keep getting worse. Why can't they get better, for once?

Posted by Dee at 23:30 Permanent Link Comments (1)

08 de October, 2005
What a manic few days it's been.
A couple of days ago, I received a letter from The Royal Marsden hospital, informing me of my HER2 status, which turns out to be strongly positive. This means I need the drug Herceptin, to give me a crack at living.
Herceptin has been all over the news this week, and obviously, all this news has been very prominent to me.
The NHS are refusing to fund the vast majority of Herceptin treatments, so it will most likely cost me around £40,000 to self-fund. Money I don't exactly have in my back pocket!
There are people doing lots of fund-raising things for me, from selling their stuff on Ebay, to doing sponsored runs, to producing car stickers and rubber wristbands, in my name. There are people offering to send me their wages. There's been talk of setting a charity up. There have even been suggestions of people donating sperm, to raise money!
I'd have never believed, until now, that people who hardly know someone, would be willing to help so much. I've found it really touching, and cried so many times, just because I'm overwhelmed at peoples response to this. It's restored my faith in human nature, which I'd all but lost.
£40,000 is a hell of alot of money, and I have absolutely no idea how I'm going to manage to get it, but I have to try. My chances of still being here in 5 years time are quite low if I don't get Herceptin. With it, my chances could be doubled.
If anyone who reads this, has any ideas how I could raise some money, please get in touch with me.
I'd better go feed Dillon kitten, and take my clothes out of the washing machine now..

Posted by Dee at 18:21 Permanent Link Comments (0)

04 de October, 2005
Foot Poking
Yesterday, I went to a 'Healthy Living Day', which was organised by Breast Cancer Care. I was a bit unsure about going, because the only people there, would be women who were being treated for, or had been treated for breast cancer. I didn't want to spend a whole day being forced to think about it, whilst getting pittiful looks from the older people.
Turns out it was a lovely day. It looked like they'd tried to group us, as best they could, in to similar age groups (though I was still the youngest). We had taster sessions of Reflexology, Indian Head massage, Reiki and Aromatherapy/hand massage. Even learned how to give a hand massage.
I got a bit upset the night before, and cried myself to sleep (again). Nothing to do with the day out ahead.. just thinking about things, and remembering again that I'm very mortal and may not be around as long as I'd always assumed I would. The Healthy Living Day was probably just what I needed.
It was all lovely.. very relaxing and uplifting, but I especially enjoyed the Reflexology. It impressed me so much that I've made an appointment to see the lady who did it, next week. So looking forward to that.
Went into town today, and was bought a really nice cream angora hat. The lady in the shop commented to the person who bought it for me, that I was a 'beautiful young lady' (without sounding at all condescending, which was nice). It's pretty obvious to everyone that I have no hair. I was wearing a scarf on my head, and a hat, and it makes me feel a bit self-conscious, because people do look. But this lady's remark made me feel so much better.. bless her :o)
I think I'm going to get some pink hair dye, and colour what's left of my stubble, pink.. or dye my scalp pink. One or the other!

30 de September, 2005

I shaved my head last night.
The long, red hair that I loved, has gone. I often wonder if I'll be around long enough to grow it back to the length it was. Who knows.
I'm feeling very detached at the minute. Like I'm an onlooker to this bizarre pantomime of my life. I can be talking about the cancer to people, and almost forget I'm talking about myself. Then I suddenly realise that it is me. It is my life. And it hits me like a brick.
In the past couple of days, I've been to see the folks at work, and wandered around town with a friend. All the time feeling like I wasn't really there. It's just been a blur of days.
I forget that other people don't know what this feels like. I forget that they can't understand how I feel, and why I feel like I do. I forget that just a few months ago, I was completely ignorant to how this would have felt too. I shouldn't expect people to understand any of this, just like I wouldn't have understood, before it happened to me. I get frustrated when people blatantly don't have a clue what my life's like now. But I shouldn't feel that way. I just forget that they don't know what it's like.
Dillon kitten woke me up this morning. Not in what has become his usual way of chewing on fingers, but by snuggling into my neck and being all cute and purry. He was so warm and alive. It's little things like that, that remind me I am alive.. this is real life.. not the bad dream I keep hoping I'll wake up from. I think I'm either permanently stuck in this particular bad dream, or it is indeed real life, and I've got no hope of waking up and leaving it behind in my dream world.
My head feels weird. It's almost like having someone elses head. It feels cold, but warm, and strangely heavy. Surely it should feel lighter, with no hair on?

Posted by Dee at 23:39 Permanent Link Comments (1)

29 de September, 2005
Sitting with a mug of coffee, looking through my window, at an earlier Thursday morning, than I've seen for a while. I don't often drink coffee, but just fancied it this morning. I'm sure it'll go well with yesterdays steroids, to keep my hyped up for a while!
I've been having real trouble waking up lately, and don't see much of the 'am' side of lunchtime. I finally managed to get to sleep at about 4am, and was woken by Dillon kitten at 7, for his breakfast. I was awake then, so thought I may aswell stay up, and sleep later, when I'm tired.
My room looks out onto the back garden. I can hear the birds singing and have just seen the cheeky resident squirrel saunter across the garden. You can have a conversation with that squirrel.. If you sit outside with him and make noises, he'll talk back!
It looks like the sun's trying to come out, but it's a bit cloudy at the minute. Clouds are moving quite fast thought, so maybe the sun'll peep through in a while.

Posted by Dee at 09:19 Permanent Link Comments (0)

28 de September, 2005
Round Two.. Ding ding!
Today was round two of chemo (I'm having FEC chemo, so I'm now officially a Fec(k)er. Though it could be argued that I have been for quite some time!).
The waiting around the hospital wasn't too bad today. Only 45 minutes, as opposed to last times 3 hours. It went by uneventfully again (thankfully). I haven't been sick yet, so I'm hoping that'll follow the same pattern as last time too, and I wont be sick at all. I'll take the anti-sickness tablets tonight and tomorrow, and hope for the best.
Whilst sitting in the lovely, antiseptic scented chemo suite, I got chatting to a lady who was on the same ward as me, for her surgery, at the same time I was in. She's shaved her head, because her hair started coming out in big clumps, ten days after her first chemo treatment. She was wearing her daughters pink playboy beanie hat, but whipped it off to show me her bald head, and she looked really good!
She was talking to me and a chap who was in there, having his treatment, when she got quite emotional about it (quite understandably), which started me off. My eyes were full of tears, bursting to get out, but I managed to stop them teaming down my face. The other chap we were talking to, must've been about the same age as my dad (55/60-ish), and had been diagnosed with cancer (bowel cancer, I think, going on the drugs they were giving him) in January 2004, and given two years to live. He said it was just a matter of coming to terms with it, and that he'd got on with his life.
I didn't see Lorna today. I know she was supposed to be having her second chemo today too. maybe she was there earlier than me. Must email her to see if it went ok.
This thought's been freaking me out a bit, over the past few days.. I now personally know 4 people who're being treated for breast cancer (including myself. Not including all the people I've just said 'hello' to, in passing). Statistics suggest that 50% of people will eventually die from their breast cancer. Obviously some are more at risk from recurrence/spread than others, but on average, it's around 50%. So, statistically, 2 out of the 4 people I've had conversations with, will die of this. I could easily be one of them. That's a sobering thought.
To be told you have cancer is am earth-shattering experience. It makes you feel like your world's falling apart in front of your eyes. The first thing I thought was "Shit. I'm 29 and I'm going to die". But to be told you have cancer and that's it.. you're definitely going to die from this cancer, sooner rather than later. I can only imagine what that must feel like, and hope to god I never actually get to find out what it feels like.
I've found that when I'm sitting in the waiting room, or in the chemo suite, I get looks of sympathy from older people. It's as though they think you're far too young to have something so awful. Damn right I'm too young, but then isn't everyone too young to have something like this? But as it's proven, cancer doesn't discriminate. It's there for anyone. Come and get your cancer.. free today!
I think I'm all 'roided up now, form the steroids they gave me with chemo. They give me steroids to take at home too, which is supposed to help the anti-sickess tablets work, but I refused to take them last time, so I'm sure as damnit not taking them this time.
I've just looked to my left, to see the parchment that Sam gave me, just before I finished work to have surgery, that says.. "Dionne. Woman of Strength. Know you are strong. Know you are beautiful. Know you are loved. Know you are being sent healing constantly from all around the world. All our love, Sam and Paul". I don't know if she realised how much that would inspire me. I've got it where I see it every day, and I read it every day. When Sam first gave it me, I couldn't read it without crying, and I certainly couldn't read it out loud to anyone else, without crying. Now it's sitting there, with the crystals, shells, feather, Chalice Well water and aromatherapy oil she gave me, along with the opalite angel Barry and Nina sent me, and a small braid of my hair that I plaited and cut off last week.
I have a hand-bound leather book sitting on my shelf. It has heather stems running up the spine, which were taken from one of my favourite places, and it's begging to be used as a journal. I'd hate to leave my life without putting that book to some use. I just need the patience to sit and write in it. I can get my words out much faster when I type them, than when I write them properly.
On that note, I'm going to go sniff my book, and remind myself of happier (and sad) times..

Posted by Dee at 22:40 Permanent Link Comments (0)

27 de September, 2005
Almost 'Normal'
I saw the oncologist today, who informed me I'm normal. I certainly don't feel normal. In fact, I feel as far from normal as I think possible!
What he actually meant, was that the bone, lung and liver (which, incidentally, also covered kidneys, gallbladder, spleen and pancreas) scans that I'd had a few weeks ago, looked 'normal'. there was apparently something on my bone scan (which the oncologist seemed to bypass and not be worried about).. a "very low grade uptake (of the radioctive sunbstance they injected into me) is demonstrated the left 5th costochondral junction which would be consistent with costo-chondrosis (costochondritis?) rather than representing a metastatic deposit." So good news.. I hope. I can cope with a few stabbing pains in my chest, as long as it isn't cancer, or anything else deadly.
I'm well aware that this doesn't mean it wont come back, or spread further on down the line, but it seems to be absent for now.
My blood counts were 'normal' too, which I was quite surprised at, considering I had a mild bout of tonsilitis until a day or two ago. Glad I didn't bother going to the hospital for antibiotics now (I've always hated the damn things).
So I'm just about as normal as it's got, over the past few months. Normal and shattered. I'm absolutely shattered.
I've got my second FEC chemo tomorrow, which is always something to look forward to. Last times wasn't bad at all though, so I'm hoping number two will follow suit.
I've taken to wearing a hat when I'm out anywhere now, and a 'buff' when I'm at home. I don't have much hair left. It's really quite drafty around the old bonce when I'm outside. And when I'm inside, the buff stops it shedding all over the house.
I suppose I should feel all jovial that the scans were 'clear' (I'm being very careful not to use the word 'clear', when telling people about the scan results. They might think I mean I've got the 'all clear', which sadly, I know I can never really get. And god forbid they'd think I was 'over it'!), but there's that little niggle about this costochondritis. Is that really what it is, or is it early signs of bone mets? God, I hope not. But at least the other scans were ok, so I shouldn't be popping off anywhere in the next few months, at least!
Right, I'm tired and Hollyoaks is on, so I'm going to toddle off for now. But before I go, I must mention that I've just ordered a dress I've been drooling over for years. I decided it'd be perfect for Hallowe'en, and probably Yule too.. and any other excuse I can find to be stereotypically witchy!

Posted by Dee at 18:37 Permanent Link Comments (2)

24 de September, 2005
My Hat and I
I wore one of my hats for the first time today.
I've never been a hat-wearing person, but due to the rapid rate at which my hair's doing a runner, I went out today fully hatted up. I wore one I got from an American website (headcovers.com), that covers all my hairline.. so the hair I have left, was tucked up into the hat. The main reason I wore it, was to stop my hair shedding all over my car, but I went into Asda and the petrol station with my hat still on. I'm really proud of myself. I thought I'd feel a bit of a twit, but I didn't really, and no-one gave me odd looks.
I bought a couple of things from Asda's 'Tickled' Pink' clothing range. I know some people are really put out by this light-hearted approach to raising money for breast cancer, but at the end of the day, it is raising alot money (even if Asda are getting good publicity from it), so I'm happy to give a bit of support.
My hat and I are off to mad Lisa's later, to catch up on gossip!

Posted by Dee at 17:22 Permanent Link Comments (0)

23 de September, 2005
Hair's Leaving Home
It's been a funny old day.
I was woken up early, by Dillon kitten purring around my forehead, who'd decided breakfast time was 6:19am today. Fed Dillon and went back to bed for a couple of hours. I still got up earlier than usual (usual's been around lunchtime lately. I seem to need to sleep alot more than I did before chemo), because I was meeting a friend for lunch, so thought it would be a good idea to wash my hair.
The hair decided it was leaving home a bit more quickly today.. it came out in handfulls. Took me half an hour to get the comb through it afterwards.. and another couple of handfulls departed. I'm sure no-one except me can tell there's huge amounts of hair missing. I don't have any bald patches yet, but I can tell there's much less there, than there was yesterday. I'm thinking, at this rate, it'll probably all be gone by the end of the weekend, if I don't beat it to it with the clippers.
On my way into town, to meet the afore-mentioned friend, I felt strangely detached. I didn't feel well yesterday, and wasn't to great today, so I don't know if it was the poorlyness, or the fact that baldness is staring me in the face, that was making me feel out of it.
Apparently getting bored of cancer, I thought I'd go for a bit of tonsilitis instead!
I went through the afternoon in a bit of a blur really. Managed to buy a couple more scarves for my balding head. I'll have a good ol' scarf and hat collection by the time I've finished.
I see the Oncologist on Tuesday, and should get the results of bone, liver and lung scans, to see if there's any signs of spread. Not really looking forward to that.
I'm pretty shattered now. I don't appear to be able to get through a normal length day, without falling asleep at some stage, but I expected that really, as a side-effect of chemo. I'm told it gets worse as you go on, so there's something to look forward to!
Lisa's still in Edinburgh. Leigh's in Bath.. my playmates have buggered off! (I really do have more than two playmates, but to be quite honest, I just can't be bothered to make the effort to see anyone else. It seems like too much hard work at the mo).
I'm hungry now.. off I go to find some food..

Posted by Dee at 19:51 Permanent Link Comments (0)

22 de September, 2005
Crying into my Toothbrush
Thought I'd write a few more lines, now I've finished crying into my toothbrush!
It gets you at the strangest of times. I've managed not to cry since Saturday night, when I cried on my best friends bloke (sorry Phil!). I can use the excuse of too much alcohol for that one. Though I'm not usually prone to snivveling when I've had a drink.
I went over to my auntie and uncles today, to feed the chinchillas, while they're on holiday (my auntie and uncle, not the chinchillas). I just happened to glance at the calendar on their wall, and saw marked on it, the dates that I'd hade bone, lung and liver scans, and the date I'd started chemo.. and I had an impromtu cry at the chillas. I don't even know why. I think I'm just touched that people seem to care so much.
Now, just as I was cleaning my teeth, I started again. I couldn't quite put my finger on why, but I think I'm terrified of becoming 'needy'. I think I've always been quite an independant person. I've never relied on anyone for anything, and I've always done my own thing. More to the point, I've never really relied on anyone for emotional support.. I've always seemed to get there on my own. Now suddenly, I don't seem to be able to do it on my own.
Not wanting to upset my family anymore than they already are, I've found myself becoming more dependant on my friends for support. Much as I hate to admit it, I need people.. my friends. I can't cope without them now. I'm worried I'm going to become too needy and insecure about everything, I'm just going to drive them up the wall, and potentially away.
I know my moods have been somewhat erratic of late, and are likely to get even worse. And I know I snap at people, over things I never would have before. I don't envy the people I care about, having to put up with this. I just hope they don't get so annoyed by it, that they give up on me.
A lady brought me a bouquet of bright yellow flowers today. She told me they were from the chapel I used to go to when I was little (I still have flash-backs of the christmas pantomimes!). Apparently they've been praying for me. It seems like the world and its mother knows about what's going on. I don't mind really. The flowers were a lovely gesture, and though I'm not part of their faith, I appreciate that people are thinking about me.
The whole house is asleep now. Mum's in bed. Dad's fallen asleep on the sofa. I'm getting the impression they've fallen out about something, but I haven't asked, and I can't say I'd be surprised. They've been under so much pressure lately, something's bound to give. I can't help feeling responsible. All this stuff with me has given them stress they didn't need.
Even kitten's asleep on the back of the sofa.. hiding behind the cushions.
It's like the night before christmas, and all through the house, not a creature was stirring...

Posted by Dee at 22:38 Permanent Link Comments (1)

Day 16 in the chemo house..
Woke up this morning feeling like boiled poo. Not ideal. My temperature was high and my right tonsil was really hurting. I should really have phoned the hospital, or doctors, for antibiotics, but I went back to bed instead, hoping that it'd sort itself out on its own, and next weeks chemo wont be delayed because of infection/low blood cell counts.
I got up again around lunch time. Temperature had gone back to normal, but still had achy tonsil. Still have achy tonsil now and haven't felt great all day, so if I feel dodgy tomorrow, I suppose I'd better speak to the doc.
I'm convinced my dodginess is something to do with the very late night/early morning, lack of sleep and vast amounts of punch, at Lisa's party at the weekend!
My hair's still leaving the building at a moderate speed. It's still not falling out in chinks, but I get a good handfull when I run my hands through my hair. Managed to freak a couple of people out so far with it!
I've just read an article about Gail Porter and her alopecia. It says she was scared she'd be judged, and was worried what people would thing.. "would they take the mickey and be horrible?" She says it was hard to go out in public.. it was scary to leave the house bald.
I've been wondering how long it'll take me to pluck up the courage to go out in public, when my hair's gone. And even how long it'll take me to pluck up courage to show my friends. I can't imagine it'll be an easy thing to do, but something I'm going to have to face sooner, rather than later.
I was dreaming last night, about my eyebrows falling out. there's something esle to look forward to! I used to have horrible nightmares about losing my hair. It always was one of my worst nightmares, but not something I thought I'd ever have to face.
Hmm.. not much else to say tonight. Think it's going to be an early one. I'm shattered.

Posted by Dee at 20:43 Permanent Link Comments (0)

21 de September, 2005
I Could Get Hit By A Bus Too
by Susan Frisius

You never know when you're going to die, after all, I could get hit by a bus."Since I've never known anyone who has been hit by a bus, I don't understand why friends and acquaintances often say this when I first tell them I have breast cancer. Do they think the possibility of their being hit by a bus equals the possibility of my dying from cancer? Besides, I could get hit by a bus too."You're lucky you have a treatable disease."Don't get me wrong. I'm thankful I wasn't told, "There's nothing we can do," but losing pieces of my body, having a radiation machine set off a nuclear war in my breast and getting my veins filled with toxic chemicals doesn't exactly make me feel lucky."You'll be fine because you have a great attitude."If attitude really matters, why did I get cancer in the first place? Or does attitude only matter after you get cancer? Right now my attitude about cancer is lousy. So what does that mean?"Don't worry, if your time's not up, it's not up."If that's true, why did I bother with the surgery? Should I cancel the rest of my treatments? Do doctors perform surgery and give chemo and radiation for no good reason? After all, "if my time's up," treatments won't help."I've read that anger and stress lead to cancer."Great! Now I caused my own cancer."You should simplify your life."It's pretty simple now, all I seem to do is go to medical appointments."I've read that people can keep cancer from coming back by changing their diet. Maybe you should try to improve yours since it didn't keep you from getting cancer. That's why I watch everything I eat."The person who tells me this knows I only eat natural foods, cookeverything from scratch, don't eat junk foods and rarely eat meat. "You eat white pasta," she says when she sees my puzzled look. Of course, she eats white pasta too, but calls the flour "semolina." Does she really think if I had eaten pasta with "semolina" on the label I wouldn't now have cancer?One person says, "If you really want to live, you will. Just never give up. When people give up, they die."If I were hit and killed by a bus would she think I died becauseI gave up?Another person tells me to visualize the cancer shrinking. She says, "If you really work at it, you can eliminate it."Most conversations end with "call if you need anything." I don't have the energy to call anyone - I can hardly feed myself and get to my medical appointments.Why do intelligent and sensitive people who care about me say suchthings? Can they really believe I'm responsible both for my cancer and the outcome of my treatments?I think these people want to believe cancers are caused by a person's poor emotional state or diet. This lets them think they won't get cancer because they think they eat properly and handle their lives and emotions well. Unfortunately, it also makes them feel uncomfortable around me because they're afraid they'll find out their attitudes and diets are no better than mine. So I hear, "How can you be so cheerful?" and "All that yogurt can't be good for you," and "Put your daughters in foster care, they're too stressful for you."I have no doubt that everyone I talked to about my cancer was concerned about me and wanted to help me keep a positive outlook. I'm sure they were sincere when they said, "I'd like to have you over for dinner sometime, but I know everything makes you sick," or "It's good to see you out grocery shopping, I was worried because I hadn't seen you for a while."I'm sure friends would have been happy to help if I had called them and asked for assistance. Most likely they thought they were being considerate when they didn't visit or call "so I could rest." I think they just didn't know what to do or say.So what would help me while I'm being treated for cancer?Drop in or call. The only way you'll know what I need is if you keep in touch. Remember, if I'm out in the community, I'm well enough to be out.It's when you don't see me that I need your support.Don't wait for me or my immediate family to ask you for help. It takes too much energy and I don't like admitting I can no longer cope with everyday living. When you want to help, don't ask what I need, just do it. Bring me a meal (white pasta is fine), wash my floors while I sleep, take my children to a movie, get the oil changed in my car, pick up a few vegetables for me at a farm stand, change a burned out light bulb, take my empty yogurt container off the coffee table and throw it out.Don't minimize the illness that scrambles my life by telling me about simple causes and self cures. Everything I've held important has been touched by it - my ability to raise my children, my work, my independence, my social life.Don't let your fear of hearing about cancer keep you away. While cancer has become a big part of my life, it's not my whole existence and I am able to converse on other subjects.Remember my immediate family. My cancer affects them emotionally as much as it does me. My kids and parents need their friends' support now more than they ever did.If I let you know your company is too much for me at the time, comeback. If I don't answer the phone, call again. I need to know I cancount on you because I'm temporarily unable to count on myself.If you're feeling helpless because someone you know has cancer, don't. Take them a meal and eat it with them. Talk to them as you wash their dishes. Play a game with their kids so they can hear laughter. Pet their cat until it purrs. Bring over a book and read it to them.Both of you will feel better when you take action.

Posted by Dee at 11:35 Permanent Link Comments (1)

20 de September, 2005
Hairy Maltesers
When I finally managed to drag myself out of bed this morning (after being up at 6:30, to feed the kitten!), I washed my hair.. let it dry.. ran my hands through it, and came away with a handfull of hair. Not huge clumps of hair, but much more than normally comes out, so it looks like it's on its way out now.
I knew it would most likely go, and I know it'll come back when my treatment's over, but it's still a bit of a shock to actually see it coming out. I thought I'd be more traumatised than I am, to see it starting to go. I'm sure I'll feel worse about it, the more that comes out. I'm reckoning it'll take 4 or 5 years to get it back to the length it is now, and I often wonder if I'll be around long enough to see it this length again.
So, it looks like the hats and scarves (and maybe the wig) will be put to use soon, anyway. At least they wont have been a waste of money, I suppose!
I popped into work today, to see Jan. Jan went on a date last week, with her ex husband of 30 years ago, and hasn't seen him since, until now. I think it's really sweet, and hope things work out well. That'd be a real happy ending story! :o)
.. then I bought some Maltesers on the way home.. lurrvely

Posted by Dee at 20:01 Permanent Link Comments (0)

19 de September, 2005
Tit Toes & Roodies
Monday evening and I'm bored.
I've shopped.. bought a couple of hats and stuff, for when my hair vacates my head (which I'd think will be fairly soon now). The thought of all this hair falling out, over a few days, is a bit daunting. I'm trying not to think about it too much, because in the whole scheme of things, it shouldn't matter that much.
This time next week, I'll have been to see the oncologist and had my blood taken, to make sure blood counts are high enough to have my second chemo next Wednesday.
Lisa's party was fab, on Saturday night. Just what I needed, I reckon. And what a friend.. planning the party at her house, instead of going into town, because she didn't want to drag me around town if I didn't feel on top form. Everyone should have a friend like that.. I might see what I can get for her on Ebay ;op (Love ya mate!).
When something like this crap happens to you, I think you start to see how lucky you are, in other parts of your life. I know I'm lucky to have a good family, and to have friends like mad Lisa (Dorothy tit toes).. and to have a friend who I'd only met two months before I was diagnosed, who could have easily buggered off. How many people would really want to hang around someone who'd just been told they had cancer, when they hardly know them? But I know one who did. He hung around.. came with me when I had the first tests, so I wouldn't have to go alone, dragged me out when I wanted to hibernate and flush my head down the loo, and cheered me up, admitted he had no idea of how I was feeling, but made the effort to find out about it, and stayed up until stupid o-clock, countless times, to listen to me whine (do you have the time, to listen to me whine? No?.. but you have!). I've sat here in tears, more times than I hope I'll remember, but have been cheered up, and been able to go to bed without snivveling into my pillow.
At this point, I'd like to thank my parents.. my friends.. my manager.. my kitten.. the guitar I'm still waiting for.. my pimp. Ok, so I don't have a pimp (nor a guitar!).. I do however have friends who are happy to pimp their spare rooms out! Bless' em all!!
Thank you and goodnight :o)
Posted by Dee at 19:29 Permanent Link Comments (1)

17 de September, 2005
Kittens & Mittens
The sun's out and the sky's blue! Though it's chillier this morning, than it has been.. almost time for mittens!
Mind, it could be chillier because I was up at the crack of dawn. I haven't been up so early in a while.. since I haven't been at work, which is two months now.
I decided it was time to have something to get out of bed for, so yesterday, Dillon came home! A beautiful tabby kitten. Seven weeks old today. He's so named, because 'Dillon' among other things (and depending on where you look), means 'hope, ray of light'.
Dillon slept snuggled up to me all night, until he decided it was breakfast time, at 6:30. He's been in schitzo kitten mode ever since.. he's so sweet!
Well, it's short and sweet, this morning. The birds are singing, I have a kitten to entertain and a birthday party to prepare myself for!

Posted by Dee at 08:53 Permanent Link Comments (1)

15 de September, 2005
I went wandering around the local countryside yesterday, and kept encountering Dragonflies.
I'm really not all that keen on Dragonflies.. they freak me out a bit, but thought I'd look up their 'spiritual' meaning..
Apparently Dragonflies signify a period of change.
May need some fresh air, in regard to something emotional, and may need to gain a new perspective, or make a change.
It may reflect that you are coming into a two-year period of transformation, or that an approximate two-year period of change, is about to reach its culmination.
Need to be adaptable.
Spending time outside, in the sun, near fresh water sources, will be beneficial for restoring and changing health conditions for the better.
"Life is never quite the way it appears, but it is always filled with light and colour. Dragonfly can help you to see through your illsuions and thus allow your own light to shine forth. Dragonfly brings the brightness of transformation and the wonder of a colourful new vision."
Info from 'Animal Speak', by Ted Andrews
Posted by Dee at 17:09 Permanent Link Comments (0)

The Start of Something Beautiful?
Well, seeing as this is my first blog (I think I started one a couple of years ago, but that's long lost by now!), I suppose I should write a bit of background, to remind myself, when I've forgotten who I am!
I'm Dee (Dionne, if you want to be picky). 29 years old. Diagnosed with breast cancer on 8th July 2005, after finding a lump on 20th June. Had surgery on 19th July and just started chemo.
My first chemo was on 6th September.. next one's on 28th September. If all goes to plan, the last one should be on 21st December (not that I'm counting!).
So, it's day nine in the chemo house..
My first chemo session didn't make me sick, thankfully, but I can't say I've felt on top form, since. I suppose I should be grateful for small mercies though! I'm waiting now, for the low blood count, and buggered immune system phase.. and for my hair to fall out.
I'm told my hair will begin to vacate my head two or three weeks after first chemo, so it should be in a week or two. I have long auburn/red hair, so not really looking forward to that prospect. I think waiting for it to go, is probably worse than it actually going. I've been considering shaving my head now, to get it over and done with, but it's my friends birthday party on Saturday, so I'd quite like to have hair for that. Whether I'll have the guts to shave it after that, and before it falls out of its own accord, I don't know.
I have a wig (which probably looks better than my real hair), and scarves and hats, in preparation, which I think I look a bit of a tit in, but I suppose it'll be better than showing my egg-head, and scaring the inmates!
I've had some shockingly bad days over the past 3 months, but today seems not too bad. It's raining and grim outside, but at least it's a good excuse to hibernate.
I haven't been at work since I had surgery, so that's two months. I miss my job and the people I work with, but I realised today, how much I've needed to sleep lately, and work would probably do me in at the minute.
Someone was telling me about a 'Gratitude Journal', where, every day, you write down things you're grateful for. So even when you're feeling hopelessly hopeless, you can still see some good in your life. Seems like a pretty good idea. There's nothing to lose from it, anyhow.
I bought a guitar the other day. I'm waiting for it to arrive, but I wish it'd hurry up.. I've never been very patient! Never played a guitar before in my life, so thought it was about time I attempted to learn, seeing as I've been contemplating it for years.
Right, that'll do for now..
See ya later!


Dee said...

Dear Dee - after many attempts, I just managed to acquire a blog of my own and called it Dee's blog! Of course, on checking it could be found by Google, I found yours instead - I'm sorry if this causes problems with people trying to write to you. If I can find out how to, I'll change my blog name.
It is so painful to read what you are going through. I can't think of anything helpful to say to you but wish I could. Do you read Terry Pratchett's books? I have nearly all of them and found that when he created Death as a character, I stopped being quite so afraid of meeting him! Keep writing - Dee

Dee said...

Hi fellow Dee!

Don't worry about having a similar blog title.. I'm sure there are plenty of us Dees (it's a good name!) around, with similar blog names.

I have read a few Terry Pratchett books, but not for a few years now.
I used to be a great fan, until one of his books bored me a bit, and put me off.
I thought the Death character was great, and a few of my onlign sign in names are 'Ashkente'.. after the rite the wizards use, to call up Death, of course!

I'm just going to pop over to your blog now, and have a nosey :o)