Existing

I've realised, that I'm not living. I'm existing.

Going from one day to the next, doing nothing with my life, because I don't know what to do, or don't feel well enough to do it.

My emotions hit the floor a couple of weeks ago. And much as I try to pretend that everything's ok now, I feel lost and empty.
For the first time since I was diagnosd with secondaries (and for a while before that too), I'm all alone with it. Alone with my thoughts. And alone with.. well, everything really.
I feel lost. I don't know where to go. My direction and motivation has gone.

I miss having someone to do things with, and go places.
I miss the cuddles, the intimacy, having someone to cry with, and someone to laugh with. Someone to just 'be' with.

I'll be having my last chemo (for now) in a couple of weeks.
Then what? What exactly am I fighting to live for now?
It was all fairly clear before. I knew why I wanted to live. I knew why I didn't want this cancer to get me. But now, there just doesn't seem to be anything.

Angels & Bolters

I've just come across this article, via a comment in Minervas Blog.
'Angels and Bolters' talks about how some people cope with cancer, and how some people don't.
The article is talking about friends and family, rather than the 'cancer patient' themselves.

Shortly before reading this article, I discovered that, when I was first diagnosed with breast cancer in 2005, a friend of mine made it his mission to find out all he could about the disease. In his words, he read about it until his head was spinning with information.
Yet the person I was supposed to be closest to, didn't seem to want to know anything about it. And preferred to pretend everything was ok and 'normal'.


The Preachers and the Clueless..

"Preachers are anxious to give you advice and information."

"The clueless make inane comments. There are an infinite variety of idiotic remarks."

I had someone telling me yesterday, that "positivity cures all".
Seriously, if that's what you really think, you're sadly deluded.
For the most part, I've stayed positive. It didn't stop the cancer coming back, did it? It certainly didn't cure it.
I know of people with incredibly positive attitudes, who have lost their life to this disease. Their positivity didn't cure them either!
I also know of people who have had an extremely negative view of the disease they've had, and come through it with flying colours!

So please, I know people who say these kind of things are only trying to help, but please don't tell me that positivity cures all. It doesn't. And by saying this, you're implying that it's my fault the cancer came back, because I wasn't 'positive' enough in the first place.


Bolters

"They stay away because they are afraid of their own sadness or their own mortality."

I think we all know a few of those, don't we?

They run away, because they don't know how to cope with what's going on.
What makes you think I know how to cope with what's going on? It's all new to me too, you know!


Angels

"Angels know what to do, and they know what you need. They treat you like the person you always were. They know that despite the cancer you are still you."

And thank god for my angels!
I've realised they can be found in the most unexpected of places.


Fellow Travellers

"For fellow travelers, your cancer journey is their journey."

My family and REAL friends are fellow travellers.
My dad, who comes along to every hospital appointment with me, always drives me there, and always hangs around for hours while I'm having chemo, to take me home again.

And of course, other people on their own breast cancer journey. I class them as fellow travellers too.
We share the map that helps to get us where we want to go. And give each other pointers, on the way.

"This Relationship Has Run Its Course"

I'm on a bit of a downer today. Well, for the past couple of days.

James and me split up on Thursday, after being together for a year. I think he was bored of 'cancer girl'.
I'm not enough fun when I'm feeling ill. And he doesn't seem to understand why I'm not happy and cheery all the time.
After alot of other things had been said, he came out with the good old "This relationship has run it's course for me."
But I'm not stupid. I'm fairly sure it wouldn't have 'run its course', if it hadn't been for the cancer coming back.
I knew things weren't quite right with us, but I'd hoped he would talk to me about what was bothering him, rather than just giving up and ending it.
So, cancer wins again.

The weekend before, saw the one year mark for us.
I booked a hotel for the night, and booked a meal for us.
I thought we'd had a nice weekend, but it seems I was wrong.

I've shed more tears over this, than I did when I found out the cancer had come back.
It appears to be upsetting me more than finding out I had a terminal illness.
He meant more to me than anything. He was my 'happy' amidst all the crap. Now my 'happy's upped and left.

I envy him. At least he can walk away from cancer world.