And now in my Brain

Just over two weeks ago, I was admitted to hospital for brain scans, after having headaches, and then a few other symptoms.
Last Tuesday, I had brain surgery, to remove a 2cm tumour from my cerebellum.

It's been a very scary couple of weeks, and I can only now just see well enough to use the computer for very short amounts of time.
My balance is all wrong (couldn't walk for a few days after surgery), my vision's wrong, I can't hear properly, and can't think straight, or concentrate.

This time last week, I honestly didn't care if I died. In fact, I hoped for it.
But I didn't die. I'm still here. And while I really don't feel like me at the minute, things seem to be slowly improving.

The "damned lies and statistics" give me around 6-9 months to live now.
Six months will take me to my birthday. I'm hoping for more, but I'm not being unrealistic. I know this cancer's on the war path. I know it'll get me. But not just yet, I hope.

Coping With Chronic Illness

Ladies and gentlemen, may I draw your attention to the following article; Coping Wth Chronic Illness
It is adapted from the book 'After The Diagnosis', by Dr. JoAnn LeMaistre.

I stumbled across it, some time ago, but have only recently got around to reading it.
It's not exclusively about cancer, but about chronic ilness' in general.

It was these couple of paragraphs, right at the beginning, that kept me reading.

The Pollyanna approach is typified by -- and fueled by -- personal stories or
testimonials of complete recovery from extreme illness or disabling conditions.
These stories tug at the heartstrings and catch the fancy of all who read them.
Besides creating false hope by overplaying the likelihood of complete recovery,
these stories consistently underplay the sadness and feelings of worthlessness
that are part of the legacy of any physical or emotional trauma.
Sometimes, it is useful in social situations to present yourself as a Pollyanna. When
meeting new people and situations, it may be an advantage for you to let others
think you have mastered your disease. The anxiety of other people is reduced by
not having to confront illness. The danger is that this Pollyanna image may
create a barrier between you and the people who can offer real help.

Ask anyone with cancer (or anyone with any serious illness, I suppose), and I guarantee that they will completely relate to this 'Pollyanna' approach from others.

Cancer's Back Again

Today brought my oncology appointment. Which brought MRI scan results. Which brought the news that I'd feared. The cancer's now in my bones too.. in my shoulder, and in my pelvis.

I don't know what the treatment plan is yet. It could be another six weeks before I find out. That will be over three months from having the bone scan.
They have to decide whether to do nothing. Whether to give me more chemo. Whether to give me bone strengthening drugs. Whether to give me radiotherapy to help with the pain. Or whether to give me a combination of the above.
Meanwhile, I'm left hanging, and wondering what wonderful voyage around my body, the cancer's taking while I'm waiting.

Not the happiest of bunnys, tonight.

Compromise, Sacrifice, and Resentment

Relationships often require compromise, and sometimes sacrificing the things you'd like, for the good of the relationship. Yes?

But what if one (or both) of the people involved doesn't acknowledge where compromise and sacrifice is needed, and just want to carry on doing their own thing, in their own way, regardless of whether it might be adversley affecting the relationship, or the other person in the relationship?

What if through circumstances beyond control, one person can't 'give' as much as they think they should be giving?
Oh, there creeps in, that pesky little guilt emotion again!

Is it wrong, for the person who can't give as much as they'd like to be able to give, to still want the other person to compromise?

How much compromise and sacrifice can a relationship take, before resentment sets in?

Guilt

I was having a bit of an email chat earlier, with a friend, and started talking about how guilty I feel about things.
It's not something I let out, very often. And when I do, the usual response is "But it isn't your fault."
I know that, but I can't help feeling how I do. And I'm fairly sure you'd feel the same in my situation.

My mum has early onset alzheimers.
She was diagnosed around two years ago, in 2005, just after I was diagnosed with stage 1 breast cancer. But she hadn't been 'quite right' for a while.
Before I moved into my new flat, I lived with my parents. And much as I really do hate to admit it, the situation with my mum was one of the main reasons I moved out.

I love my mum to bits, and get along with my parents extremely well. We've become even closer since my cancer diagnosis. But the whole situation with my mum was really having an effect on my, already delicate (thanks to cancer), state of mind.
I felt guilty when I was at home, because I didn't feel I was doing enough with her. Or enough to help my dad (who's now her full time carer. He gave up his job to care for her). But I was struggling to cope with my mum's condition, aswell as my own.
Cue feeling selfish, aswell as guilty.

Now I've moved out (and don't get me wrong, I'm still loving having my own space, and I do feel I've done the right thing), I feel guilty for not spending as much time with my parents.

I also feel guilty for putting my family (and friends) through all my cancer crap.
This is the bit where people tend to say "But it isn't your fault. You can't do anything about it."
I know that, but I feel like I'm letting people down.
Not only does my dad have my mums illness to deal with. He also has mine.
The chances are that he'll lose his wife to alzheimers, and his daughter to cancer.
I'm very aware that this may not be too far into the future. And I wonder how on earth my dad's going to cope, if both of these happen close together.
I feel guilty for putting him in that position.

I'm writing this here, because no-one's being forced to read it.
I'm not offloading my guilt onto anyone. Just putting it out there in the ether.

Old Acquaintences, Re-acquainted

I don't know if it's the time of year, but a few people I haven't spoken to in ages (just because we lost touch), seem to have re-appeared again.
I think it's four.. four people, in the past two weeks.

Now, I think this is really nice. It's great to hear from people again (and if you're one of them, and I haven't replied to your emails yet, I will do!). It just seems a bit odd that everyone seems to have appeared at once!

Still no news on the MRI scan.
I see my onc next Tuesday, so I should get the results then.

Cars, Men, & Scanning Machines

My lovely MGF convertible's gone. My other half's is away on holiday. And I'm still waiting for the results of the MRI scan, which was done over two weeks ago.

The MGF's been bought by a local couple. And has been replaced by that sensible, comfortable VW Polo automatic.
The Polo's nice. It's easier to get in and out of, than the F. And the automatic gearbox is a bit of a novelty, at the minute.

A certain person who shall remain nameless, is in Cyprus with his friends. At a 'foam party' tonight, apparently, after being hypnotised a couple of evenings ago, and 'made' to do all manner of things to make himself look a bit of a fool, by the sounds of things!

I'm still hurting about this certain person and this holiday.
I'm not hurt that he's having fun without me. Although I'd be lying if I said I wasn't a bit jealous that he's having a great time in the sun, while I'm home alone, worrying about scan results.
I'm hurt because of his complete lack of regard for my feelings about this.

He is a nice person. Probably one of the nicest and most genuine people I've ever known. And I never thought he'd do anything to purposley hurt me. But he knew how I felt about him going on this holiday, from the very start.
He knew how much I hated the idea, and he knew how much it upset me. Yet he went ahead and did it anyway.
The actions of someone who loves me?

Maybe I shouldn't hate the idea of it as much as I did/do. Maybe I am just being silly. But I can't help how I feel about this. And I know that if something I was planning on doing, would upset him as much as this has upset me, I wouldn't do it.
But he did it. And now I don't know how I feel about it seemingly being so easy for him to do something that he knows hurts me.

MRI scan of my bones.. still no news about that.
I'd love to think "no news is good news". That may well be true. But I know the health system here too well now, to think they'd contact me quickly, if the news was bad.