I keep having dreams that things are 'normal'. That things are as they were before this cancer crap. In my dreams, I have long hair again. I go out. I go to work.
This morning, I woke up thinking it was time to get up for work. I haven't needed to get up for work in over a year. Then the tears came.
Then I watched a short piece on TV, about the childrens cancer department, at Great Ormond Street Hospital.
It was only on for about fifteen minutes, but it really choked me up.
These children have had no life, and yet some were facing death within a couple of weeks.
At least I've had a life. Albeit not as long as I'd hoped.
I had a wonderful childhood. My home-life was never turbulent (well ok, maybe it had it's moments when I was in my teens!), my parents are still together, I always had everything I needed, and most things I wanted, too.
I had horses, when I was a teenager, which I loved.
I've had jobs I loved. I have friends I love, and a man I love. And I've been loved.
I've had experiences, and lived my life the way I wanted to live it. But some of these children have spent most of their lives in hospital.
But, no doubt my own problems will remain more important to me, than anyone else's problems. Just like everyone else in the world's problems, will still be more important to them.
I had my onc appointment on Tuesday, which, to be honest, I was dreading.
I've been feeling worse and worse. I can't walk anywhere, without getting completely out of breath, dizzy, and my heart beating really fast.
I almost keeled over in the hospital lift, and my dad had to hold me up, when we got out.
I have no appetite, feel sick all the time, I sleep alot, and generally just feel really really grotty.
But liver function tests show that things seem to be 'stable'. I'm not entirely convinced, to be honest.
We spent the entire afternoon at hospital; in and out with my onc, blood tests, chest x-ray. And I missed my Reiki appointment, which was a shame.
Exciting news of the week..
My wheelchair's arrived.
I just need to feel well enough to leave the house, now!