Thursday, 28 February 2008

Normality & Children

I keep having dreams that things are 'normal'. That things are as they were before this cancer crap. In my dreams, I have long hair again. I go out. I go to work.

This morning, I woke up thinking it was time to get up for work. I haven't needed to get up for work in over a year. Then the tears came.

Then I watched a short piece on TV, about the childrens cancer department, at Great Ormond Street Hospital.
It was only on for about fifteen minutes, but it really choked me up.

These children have had no life, and yet some were facing death within a couple of weeks.
At least I've had a life. Albeit not as long as I'd hoped.
I had a wonderful childhood. My home-life was never turbulent (well ok, maybe it had it's moments when I was in my teens!), my parents are still together, I always had everything I needed, and most things I wanted, too.
I had horses, when I was a teenager, which I loved.
I've had jobs I loved. I have friends I love, and a man I love. And I've been loved.
I've had experiences, and lived my life the way I wanted to live it. But some of these children have spent most of their lives in hospital.

But, no doubt my own problems will remain more important to me, than anyone else's problems. Just like everyone else in the world's problems, will still be more important to them.

I had my onc appointment on Tuesday, which, to be honest, I was dreading.
I've been feeling worse and worse. I can't walk anywhere, without getting completely out of breath, dizzy, and my heart beating really fast.
I almost keeled over in the hospital lift, and my dad had to hold me up, when we got out.
I have no appetite, feel sick all the time, I sleep alot, and generally just feel really really grotty.
But liver function tests show that things seem to be 'stable'. I'm not entirely convinced, to be honest.

We spent the entire afternoon at hospital; in and out with my onc, blood tests, chest x-ray. And I missed my Reiki appointment, which was a shame.

Exciting news of the week..
My wheelchair's arrived.
I just need to feel well enough to leave the house, now!


SarahC♥ said...

Hi. I stumbled across your blog and i am so glad i did. You are an amazing person and i could never cope with what you are going through. I struggle with everyday life as it is and when i read such a blog like yours it suddenly puts things into perspective.
I'm sorry you are going through this.


Anonymous said...

I can't help but hang my head in shame when I read your blog - This morning I flew off the handle at my husband, I had a moan about having to do laundry and housework and am extremely stressed about a situation that really (in the scheme of things) isn't much of a situation at all.

Then I read what you are going through, how courageous you are, how you, in your situation can still be greatful for what you have experienced in your lifetime.... and I want to kick my arse for being so DAMN ungrateful.

Dee, please know that you have touched my life - even though I haven't met you, I think about you every day, and when i'm faced with problems that seem like mountains to climb, I just have to think of what you are going through - "my challenges" are nothing in comparison.....

I watched cancer take my best friend, like you she was in the prime of her life... she had a 3 month old little baby and a 19 year old daughter - a thriving business, a loving husband - and everything to live for.....reading your blog I feel the same way as I felt back then... almost 3 years ago now...


Allie said...

Dee, Your voice reaches across the globe and has settled lightly in countless minds and hearts.I wish you could see all those touches. And I wish you could see the solid wall of support and feel the company of all of the rest of us facing forward as you do, as we must.
And I'm hoping the wheelchair gets taken on an outing really soon,

bionicwoman said...

Just stumbled over your blog and been reading with great interest.
You sound an amazing person and speak with a great frankness and guts despite what you're facing every day.
I've just been diagnosed with secondaries and have just started a blog which is "Breast Cancer and Me"

I will keep following your story and thinking of you.
I hope you manage to get out of the house if only for a short while.