New York, New Hair, New Home

Tuesday 24th July 2007 10:44pm

You may notice the date of this entry, and the date I've posted it, doesn't match.
You may also notice that there are several blog entries, with different dates, in this one entry.
There's good reason for this, which will become evident shortly!

The dates of these few posts don't go in the 'usual' blog order. That is, the latest is at the bottom, rather than the top.
I'm not trying to confuse anyone (honestly!). It's just that this is how I've written them.. in classic diary style really, rather than in blog style.

Firstly, I know I haven't written anything here, for ages. And I want to apologise to those who've sent messages, asking if I'm ok, and saying they're worried about me, because I've been away from my blog for so long.
Thank you so much for caring about me :o)

I'm fine at the minute, and pretty happy.
I have had some random side and back pains lately, which I'm going to be having scans for, over the next couple of weeks. So if anyone would like to keep their fingers crossed for me, that the cancer's still 'stable', and isn't doing anything, I'd be extremely grateful.

So, what have I been doing then?
Well, I've been a bit of a busy bee..

Earlier this month, I flew off to New York City (Midtown Manhattan), for 10 days, with my auntie.
The weather was absolutely boiling hot, and humid. I got very sore feet (too much walking on the first day, and me not considering how it could affect my feet (which have always been sensitive, but even more so since two lots of chemo). But we still had a great time!

We shopped alot.. Looked over NYC on the 'Top of the Rock (at the top of the Rockerfeller Centre)..
Did a 'Sex & the City tour, which I loved. I'm a huge fan of the show! We got to sit on Carries apartment stoop, eat cupcakes from Magnolia Bakery, drink Cosmopolitans at 'Scout' (O'Neils, in real life); the bar owned by Steve and Aiden, Visit 'The Pleasure Chest', where the girls shopped for their rabbits.. and see many more locations featured on the show!
We went up the Empire State Building..
Flew to Buffallo, then went to the Canadian side of Niagara Falls, where we sailed up to the falls, in the 'Maid of the Mist' boat..
Went on the Statton Island Ferry, where we waved to Lady Liberty..
Did a couple of bus trips/loops, and popped over to Brooklyn..
Shopped in Bloomingdales, Macys, Bed Bath & Beyond, 'did' 5th Avenue, and went to a huge Sunday street market..
Visited Times Square more times than I can remember.. our hotel (which was lovely!) was only a couple of blocks away.

It was far to hot, in NYC, to be wearing any sort of head-covering, on my now 'baby fuzz' covered head. So I went without.
I had a couple of comments, from the couple of people who had to check my passport, at various times during the trip.
They weren't horrible comments. Just "Oh my, what happened to your hair?!" comments.

Since I've been home, I haven't covered my head with scarves or wigs, either.
I've already gone through the trauma of going 'topless' for the first time, once.. I don't want to have to do it again.
So I wear my baby fuzz with pride. This is me. If you don't like it.. well, quite frankly, I don't care!


We arrived home on Wednesday 18th July.
On Friday 20th, I moved out of my parents house, and into my fabulous, brand new flat!
My lovely brand new flat, which has no internet yet. Hence I'm sitting here now, writing this on my laptop. But will only be able to put it on my blog when I visit my parents again, and borrow their internet.

I started looking for a flat to rent, a couple of months ago.
I found a beautiful little flat, right by the canal. Deposit was paid. Then it rained.. alot.
The flat (and all the places around it) flooded, and became unlivable. So that was that.
Shortly after that, I found another (first floor) flat, with the same letting agents. It's brand new, just been built, never been lived in before.

I'm sitting here, looking out of my fabulous new living room window, over the little park, and at the moon in front of me.

Moving out of my parents house, and into my own place, is something that, a few months ago, I thought I'd never be able to do. So, although getting your own place is always exciting, imagine how good it feels to do it, when you doubted you'd live long enough to be able to do it!

Although all the cancer stuff is constantly on my mind, I'm so happy just now. And these days, I revel in every little bit of happiness that comes my way. Because I never know when it's all going to change.
I hope the scans I'm having over the next week or so, allow me to stay this happy for a while yet.

And the herceptin that my oncologist had decided to stop, has been started again.
I've changed oncologists and hospitals, after losing faith in my previous oncologist, after what seemed to be developing into a catalog of errors.




Wednesday 25th July 2007. 2:07pm

I'm sitting here again, in my fabulous new flat, looking out of my fabulous new window, having just been for a bone scan.
After the bone scan, I had to have two x-rays. One of my shoulder (where hot spots showed up on my last bone scan, about 7 or 8 months ago. But it was decided it was 'nothing to worry about', 7 or 8 months ago. So we'll see what they say this time). And one of my pelvis.
I've been having pain in my pelvic area for a while now, which is why the bone scan was ordered in the first place.

I'm hoping they've x-rayed my pelvis, because of me telling them I was having pain. Rather than being x-rayed because they saw something on the bone scan.
Since this pain started, I've thought it was probably (hopefully) a trapped nerve. It feels like a trapped nerve to me. But what do I know really!
I've always thought bone pain would be a more dull, consistent, achy pain. Rather than the shooting pain I'm getting when I walk, with this. But again, what do I know!

As for my shoulder.. I haven't mentioned any pain to them, regarding my shoulder, because I haven't had any pain. So I can only assume the bone scan showed something up again.
I wont know the results of the bone scan, x-rays, or the liver scan I'm due to have next week, until I see my oncologist, in three weeks time.
What will I do until then?
Most likely turn it over and over in my head.. worry myself sick, cry, convince myself the cancer's now in my bones too, then pull myself together, after repeatedly telling myself it could be nothing, and telling myself if it is something, then I'll have to deal with it. Then the cycle will start all over again. And I'll keep cycling through a whole host of emotions, that I never even realised I could experience, before the cancer came about.. for three weeks.

So now, I'm sitting here, in my fabulous flat, looking out of my fabulous window, all alone, desperately wanting to be able to talk to my online 'pink ladies', through what I now fondly call my 'pink forum'. Because I know they'd understand just how I feel.
They wouldn't tell me it'll be ok, and not to worry. They'd give me a big cyber hug, and hold my hand across the ether, until I get the results.. and always.
But I have no internet.

Oh, and James and I are 'together' again.. for the past couple of months, or so. So we'll just have to see how things go.

Happy End of Chemo!

Well, here we are again!

Since my last blog entry, I'd started to pick myself up a bit, and even begun to 'look forward'.
I'd paid a visit to my GP, to say "Look, I think could do with a bit of help here. I'd like some counselling."
She agreed, and told me there's a waiting list of two to three months. Oh good!

Yesterday, I saw 'the ex', and all the feelings I was trying to hide in the little pocket of my life, where I try not to look, were dragged to the surface again.
So last night, I felt awful again. Like I was back to square one.
I've managed to shake it off a bit today, and don't feel as bad. But I still don't feel great about it all.

A couple of weeks ago, he did me the honour of telling me why he'd "fallen out of love" with me (I had asked him why). And it pretty much boiled down to the fact that he was bored.
Bored of me being boring.
While I haven't been well enough to do much, through chemo, he was bored of staying in with me.
I can't blame him really. I was bored of myself.. Barely capable of dragging myself out of bed every day, never mind keeping anyone else entertained.

I had my last (for now) chemo and herceptin treatment, last Wednesday. That's it now.
It's the first time in almost two years, that I'm having no treatment.
Herceptin wasn't working, so it's been stopped. And just being left to go it alone, is a little bit scary.
I'll be having another liver scan next week, to see what's happening in there now, at the end of chemo.

My liver function tests still aren't 'normal', but they're a hell of alot closer to normal than they were a few months ago.
We're now adopting a "watch and wait" approach.
I'll have blood tests every four weeks, to check my liver function. If the score starts going up again, I'll be scanned to see if the tumours are growing again.

If the tumours start growing again, the only option available to me at the minute, is more chemo.
If the tumours start growing again soon, I really don't know if I could face more chemo. I suppose I'll jump off that bridge when I get to it.

After a monumental cock-up by my oncologist, last week (he wanted to start me on a whole new course of chemo, when I didn't actually need it. He hadn't read my notes properly. This could have had serious health consequences for me), I'm waiting to be referred to a different oncologist, at a specialist cancer hospital.
I have no faith in my oncologist anymore, and I really need to be able to have faith in the person who's supposed to be trying to save my life.

Also since my last blog entry (and on the day my oncologist made his cock-up, incidentally), I've had a 31st birthday.
It passed by relatively quietly.. with some birthday cake and a drop or two of champagne, with my family.

So, I've managed a 30th birthday and a 31st birthday. Both of which I doubted I'd ever see, when I was first diagnosed with cancer, almost two years ago.
I hear people complaining, at every birthday, that they're getting older. I want to shake them, and tell them to be grateful they are getting older!

For my birthday, I've had a set of chrome roll hoops on my car..
















I've also had a Native American drone flute (it arrived today!), which sounds beautiful. Even the cat seems to like it.

The day after my birthday, I had chemo!

So now, I'm still feeling a bit grotty from chemo, and have some big painful ulcers in my mouth.
The grottiness should wear off soon, and I'm desperately hoping I'll be able to start looking forward again.